Saturday, 9/6, Day 3: As expected, the 3rd round of chemo knocked me back quite a bit. Chris took me and wanted to be there to talk to the doctor before the infusion. We had a couple of questions about the prior blood tests, and then we knew they would look at my blood again before this latest chemo. Some of my white and red blood count numbers were out of normal range, but all was good enough for me to proceed with the infusion. However, I did get a little bit better understanding of my fatigue. My red blood count was down even more than before, and I guess I had forgotten the little I had ever known from biology or health class or wherever I first learned about human body functions. We were reminded that chemo affects your bone marrow (apparently one of the quickest multiplying cells in the body, like in the mouth and on the scalp), and weakens it. Our red blood cells are produced in the bone marrow and so when my bone marrow is compromised then so is the red blood count, which leads to anemia, fatigue, paleness, etc. The shot I get the day after chemo boosts my white blood cells, which I guess is overall more important, since that helps keep my immune system going right. Anyway - we were glad to get a little better understanding, even if what I just typed isn't exactly regurgitated the right way.
My friend Maureen was there for the whole infusion and we had a good time catching up and I so appreciate having a good friend at hand to help and smile and distract and drive me home. I was so tired, once again. But basically, this round has been about like Round 2. I don't feel terrible (it's not anything like the Shingles pain that was unbearable), I am not actually throwing up, but just walking around the house makes me queasy (really any bending or turning at all), and I'm feeling pretty miserable over the last couple of days. I've been trying to think through how much is physical and how much is mental. I know I have succumbed to a few hours of mental sadness, but really, I am convinced that between the constant shaking, not sleeping well (I am staying so hydrated that I am up several times in the night for potty breaks, plus the steroids affect my sleep), the need to stay "still" to avoid nausea and then this feeling of how heavy I feel...especially my head, that it's not all in my head. At my most comfortable, I am surrounded by pillows, propped up, totally still.
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| My ever present companion, Coco. She takes good care of me. |
Sunday, 9/7, Day 4: I keep reminding myself this is a season, but it feels like such a waste of perfectly good time. However, I know I am doing the right thing in listening to my body, and if this "season" means that I am sitting around a lot, and watching a lot of TV, napping during the day, etc., then so be it. As you can tell, I still get conflicted, but then I go back through the self talk and remind myself that I am not in charge and that I have to just do my best one day at a time. I know there are many, probably most, people who go through chemo while holding down a job. I have guilt that I am not doing more to maintain my old "normal" while I know many of those other cancer patients don't have a choice. I thought about that this weekend while dragging myself to Jonathan's soccer game. Once again we had a conflict and both kids played in different places at the exact same time. I managed to get my parents to go with me for moral support and "just in case." I consider watching my kids play their sport like my "job" in that I will push myself to attend if at all possible. However, the other things I filled my day with in prior school years, like volunteering in the classroom, driving on field trips, taking on various roles at church and school, all have basically fallen by the wayside, and I am trying to not feel guilty for NOT pushing myself harder to maintain my old normal. But in all honesty, it is really hard to get motivated to leave the house at all these days. I guess the new (for however long, not sure) normal is that I am doing the bare minimum, and I need to find a way to be ok with that.
Monday, 9/8, Day 5: Today is my birthday, and I hadn't really given it much thought until today. I woke up feeling a bit better, with a little more energy than so far this round, so that was good. The kiddos presented their awesome handmade cards and pictures first thing this morning, and I love, loved that, as always. Their little hearts will always be my treasure. Two friends came over this morning and brought pastries, hot tea in real china to make the morning more special and a fabulous, unexpected present. Another new friend surprised me with a lovely orchid on my doorstep. So I was feeling good enough for a visit, and happy that the day was turning out to be so special (and I was able to avoid the thoughts that tried to creep in about how crummy it is to be dealing with chemo on my birthday and comparing this birthday to prior days, etc.). We discussed the idea of going out to eat, but I really didn't feel quite that good, so we tossed around various ideas but for some unknown reason among all of the ideas, I thought pizza sounded good. In fact, I sort of began to crave it after we talked about it. Apparently that was a mistake though, because now I am paying the price. I will have to finish this later, but suffice it to say that if you have ever had indigestion, then you know a bad case can feel like a heart attack. Well I am there, with the addition of overall abdominal pain and turmoil. Agghhh!!
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| Birthday flowers!! |
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| Friends bearing birthday cake are the best! |
Monday, 9/15, Day 12: Somehow a whole week has gone by. I forgot to mention above that Chris surprised me with a wonderful new handbag for my birthday. I love it and hope that I can take good care of it....I have a bad track record with bags. I guess I don't give them proper TLC or something because they never seem to last the way I think they should. Maybe I have unfair expectations.
Anyway, last Monday night was terrible (pain and lack of sleep), then I got up feeling super nauseated. The meds worked well, though, to get that under control, but Chris had to deal with the kids. Tuesday was miserable with on and off nausea, and Wednesday was not much better, especially after lunch, and I still don't understand how Monday was so much better than the two days that followed. A little birthday gift from above?! To be clear, the "misery" was all tummy related. The cold and flu symptoms seem worse the first few days after the chemo (though I seem to have a constant runny nose). Anyway, I woke on Thursday and felt surprisingly better. I say surprisingly because it was Day 8, and I "assumed" that I wouldn't pull out of the "Chemo Fog" until at least Day 10 since that is what happened last round. But, I am also learning that nothing is really predictable. So, for unknown reasons, Round 3 "trauma" lasted two days less than Round 2 (a gift I will happily receive!), though Days 6 and 7 were worse. And just to be clear.....when I say "pulled out of it" it is hard to explain but very obvious to me. I got pretty good at listening to my body when I had the babies, then better with the Shingles, and so even though I don't ever feel 100% anymore, I can tell when the shaking stops and the background queasy leaves and I just feel like the regular me minus a big dose of energy.
Since Thursday I have been able to catch up on laundry, get to the grocery store and cook meals, work around the house a bit and just feel better. I know this doesn't sound exciting, but when you are unable to do the regular things, all of a sudden the "regular" things become exciting and you crave normalcy. I still get pooped by 3:00, and I haven't yet gotten comfortable being in public with R2, but that is small compared to all of the other. Final news....I ordered a hair "halo" just to try it out, along with several hats for the Fall/Winter. My scalp is still sensitive (not as much as before) and wearing R2 is not my favorite thing. Some days are better than others. But this "halo" is interesting because it is open at the top and has hair around the outside of the circle only. Obviously it is meant to be worn with a hat. It is sort of freeing to wear it. We are not really in hat season...at least not the kinds that I ordered, but I think this is something that might work for me. I still plan to wear R2, but it's nice to have this little option to throw on for carpool, soccer games, etc. It is way faster to deal with than R2, also, so I am liking that. Who knew wig maintenance was about the same as hair maintenance?
Finally, let's celebrate a few "small" things. I am trying to remember to do this and need to etch it in my brain for forever. Yay that we are under 100 days until the last chemo!! Two digits is way better than three digits!! Just looks better. And big YAY that I only have ONE MORE treatment of the AC (Adriamycin (the "red devil") + Cytoxin) aka Cocktail #1. Of course I am dreading the final treatment, and even dreading the switch to Cocktail #2 because it is unknown, etc., but I am trusting that it will be better than Cocktail #1. Sooooo, I am thankful for these things, and for the gift of a couple extra "good" days this round. I am thankful for my family, friends, and all of the things easily taken for granted...our country's freedoms, food, shelter, sweet pets, green grass and blue skies. Big love to you all!
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| Here is R2 with sunglasses accessorizing her, my preferred look. This relates to a previous post discussing the "poof" factor of R2. Picture is from first home game at Whitefield, 8/29, prior to 3rd round. |
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| Another fabulous and unexpected gift! I'm telling you, I have the best friends ever!! In fact, I just read something about surrounding yourself with people you admire, because you "become" the company you keep. I am in good hands then, my friends!! |
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