Celebrate-->Last Round of Cocktail #1 is DONE

Happy Monday Morning!  I want to get a quick update out while I am feeling up to it. I feel a disjointed writing coming on, so please forgive.

First...I am remembering to celebrate that my FOUR rounds of A/C (Adriamycin + Cytoxan) are finished!!  You will remember these have been every other week, and have basically knocked me flat for at least a week, but then have allowed me to improve and gradually feel better over the 2nd week. Last night I got on some of the breast cancer message boards (which I generally prefer to avoid) and was reading again about other peoples' experiences who have had my same course of treatment.  Overall, I think I have been pretty fortunate.  Many of those other women (some older but some not) have been more sick than I have been, so once again, I am THANKFUL.  I haven't had to progress beyond the original nausea medication that my oncologist prescribed, but many of these other women have had to take it to higher levels, and stay on those meds every day.  Yikes.  For those of you who do not know, I do not swallow pills well, unless they are the tiny little Claritins that I have to take, and my steroids are also really small.  But even things like Tylenol I have to break up and it is nasty.  Just one of those life skills that I somehow never acquired.  :(

Anyway, by almost all accounts, the nausea should be better with the new course that begins on October 2.    There is also a chance my hair will start growing back, so I am HOPEFUL for that.  The only new things on the horizon seem to be that I might be more physically sore for a few days after the new cocktail.  It sounds like a lot of people have muscle and joint soreness that can vary in degree for the first few days, but if that happens then hopefully Advil will help.  Also, this is the one where I will have my finger and toe nails dipped in ice while I am receiving the treatment in hopes of avoiding the nails separating from the nail bed.  I am not looking forward to that, but it still sounds better than losing nails.  The only other consistent side effect I have been told of is neuropathy in the extremities.  I believe this means tingling/pain and/or numbness in the fingers and feet/lower leg region.  We shall see.  Regardless...I will cross that bridge when I get there and deal with it one day at a time as has been our family mantra through this thing.

Back to the present, though....Round 4 went about like the others.  My friend Julie took me and took care of me.  I didn't fall asleep this time, but it was close.  My red blood count was down even lower, but I still got the treatment, so nothing to be too concerned with I guess.  That should also begin to rebound with the new cocktail.  Yay for the hope of a little more energy.  It does really stink to be so tired, and so bored, but not even have the energy to hold a book in my hand.  Back in Middle School in Germany I came down with Mono and this feeling reminds me of that.  I distinctly remember my head being too heavy for my neck to hold up.  That is how I feel often.

I think the many friends who are making food for my family have figured out that All American Comfort Foods are working best with my stomach.  THANK YOU so much!!  I am able to eat small portions of meat, carbs, soups, most fruits and some cooked veggies, and then supplement with lots of flavored water and prune juices so that my body can keep functioning sort of normally.  The rest of the family still enjoys yummy salads and all the veggies, but I learned the hard way to avoid those.  :/  This time my sense of taste doesn't seem quite as messed up as before, except for liquids.  Almost everything I drink is pretty gross.  But, the stronger the flavor the more tolerable, so I am able to drink my morning cup of coffee (not as good as I know it usually is, but at least it tastes like coffee), then I greatly dislike the prune juice, but that is not optional.  I try to shotgun it, but that is usually impossible because I think I have talked about how the chemo really slows down the digestive processes.  Well, usually this means that I take a couple of swigs of a drink and it feels "trapped" in my chest (right at the breast bone) for a few seconds or longer, and that is a really uncomfortable, strange feeling where I am left wondering which direction it is going to go.  For the tons of water that I am trying to drink, we have resorted to the Crystal Lite flavor packets that I had previously given up, due to all the artificial sweeteners, etc.  Chris has found the strongest flavors and those work best for me to get the water down.

So, I guess that is the latest.  It is Day 5 and I am feeling good enough to type, so that is good.  I am feeling more positive today than over the weekend.  Saturday was the roughest.  I am sure everyone is the same, but it is really hard to stay mentally strong when your body feels so weak.  Like everyone says, this is a roller coaster and we have to just ride it out.  Chris has been amazing.  I am always so apologetic when I get weepy, but he has never wavered and just lets me have my moment.  He doesn't try to solve anything, just tells me that this IS tough (yay for affirmation) but that we can do it, and it's ok to be where we are.  The kids are also hanging tough.  Jonathan just accepts what we tell him (as far as I can tell) and if it's possible, has become even more of a cuddler.  I cannot wait to see what type of man he will become.  He is so affectionate that I can only imagine how lucky some young lady will be to have him in her life.  Caroline is more of the internalizer (like her Daddy).  She is harder to read, and she doesn't just "come out with it" the way Jonathan and I do.  She is also very stoic (yes, I accept some responsibility on that, she IS the child of 2 first borns and she has a double does of first born syndrome).  But, I have learned the best times to talk to her (at bedtime) and have learned to ask a couple of questions then try (so hard!) to keep my mouth closed to let her SLOWLY open up and share some thoughts/questions.  These are special times together and she believes what we tell her (the TRUTH!) and though she hates that Mommy isn't 100%, she isn't angry, and she is marching along like a true little trooper.  By the way...she is in love with school again so I am once again so THANKFUL for that.  It is such a gift that she has so much excitement and newness going on outside of the family.  A welcome distraction.

I will end with a verse that I printed for our precious friends who are also fighting a cancer battle.  I think of them often and pray that a miracle of healing will occur in his body.  I printed a set of their "inspiration posters" for myself that I can see from my bed.  Not only does this remind me of them, but it reminds me of my HOPE and my FAITH.

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  

Isaiah 40:31