Time Marches On

I missed my regular Monday update yesterday.  I guess it's because I haven't felt very good over the last few days.  Last Thursday went about the same, so that was pretty good.  Finally both the red and white blood counts took a move in the right direction, as the doctors predicted.  It was only a tiny, slight move, and they are both still below normal, but at least it was a move in the right direction.

Friday was Halloween, and we usually have friends over for dinner and fun before trick or treating, but I was nervous to commit to anything with it being the day after the chemo.  I know it might sound shallow, but I was pretty bummed (along with kids) about not being able to do the social events that we have loved so much in the past.  And it's not just Halloween...just add that to the list of things cancer has "robbed" from us.  Anyway, as it turns out I was feeling good enough to reprise my Princess Leia costume from last year (with Chris who agreed to wear his Darth Maul outfit again), which went perfectly with the kids' choices to do Star Wars for the second year running.  Caroline went from Queen Amidala to a female Storm Trooper and Jonathan went from General Grievous to an Arf Trooper.  It worked out nicely that I bought that Leia wig last year.  In photos you can't really tell, but I have ended up losing a bunch of eye lashes and brows.  I LOVE the magic brow pencil/tool, but am beginning to wonder if any eye lashes are going to remain by the time it's all said and done.  Time will tell.  Our neighbors in the cul-de-sac very kindly offered to bring their fire pit out and hang with us, so it was nice to be a little social without a lot of planning.  I was surprised that I was able to keep my energy going as long as I did, but by the time the second round of rain came along, not only was trick or treating o.v.e.r. but so was I.

Kern Family Star Wars 2.0

Action Shot!

For anyone in the Atlanta area, you know that the next morning was crazy cold, especially for November 1.  Of course the kids both had soccer games at the same time in different places, so I took the one close to home.  Even at 10:00 there was a wind chill of 29 degrees.  We survived that game and I planned to lay low and watch the TCU game later.  I am not sure if I overdid it on Halloween (sad as that sounds since I didn't really "do" anything) or if being out in the cold and wind affected me, but I felt pretty lousy that evening and all day Sunday and Monday.  I was congested, my throat hurt, I had what felt like a sinus headache and my whole body was aching.  Add in sporadic shooting pains and frequent hot flashes and that pretty much describes my days.  Ugh - not fun.

As I have mentioned, it is much more difficult for me to be positive when I am tired or in physical pain, so I have struggled over the last few days with keeping my mind in a good place.  I began to think about those "big" questions that don't have real answers and wonder too much about the what ifs and whys.  I let my emotions get the best of me over the last few days, but today I am in a better place.  Thank goodness.  I cannot think too much about the future, because with or without cancer, no one knows their future.  No one knows how long we have or how their "end" will come and cancer hasn't changed that.  It feels like it has but I guess it hasn't.  I keep thinking about graduations and weddings, but I need to focus on here and now, and so long as I do that, then I am fine.  So many people have advised "one day at a time" and "one foot in front of the other" and that is the best advise, I think.  At the very least, I know, when I pause a moment to be sane and smart, that stressing about the future or even wasting too much wondering about it, is just that....a waste of time and energy and unhealthy.  Not to mention.....it reflects a lack of faith.  So.....I have to reign myself in on a regular basis.

Anyway - this week is a little abnormal since I have chemo tomorrow (Wednesday) instead of Thursday.  This weekly chemo seems SO much faster than the other.  I really don't like having only one day maybe of feeling better.  And though the other chemo was more difficult (so far I still think this is true), it was nice to have that quite distinct feeling of "coming out of it."  That does not happen with this.  I feel a little better as the days pass but I never get back to a point where I would say I am "out of it."  The only other update is that tomorrow I plan to ask for the prescription for something to help with the hot flashes.  This last week beat me down too much, and I need to try to stay sane and mentally healthy.  I didn't want to have to deal with the side effects of the Rx for the hot flashes, or add yet another drug to the long list I am taking, but the need for restful sleep overrides!

I almost forgot - today was our appointment with Dr. Barber, my regular surgeon.  We shared with him our choice for plastic surgeon, and thanks to my friend who has been through this process recently, I learned about a nerve block and have now requested that we schedule an anesthesiologist who uses that technique.  The surgery will be mid January.  The doctor explained a lot more about his part of the mastectomy, particularly how my lymph nodes will be treated and why.  During the surgery they will remove a portion of my remaining lymph nodes on my right side, due to the fact that I had one positive sentinel node.  The expectation is that no additional cancer will be found.  Of course I have learned that the expectation is not necessarily what will happen, but it's good to know the odds.  We will not get those results immediately as we did with the lumpectomy.....it will take 3 or 4 days.  Worst case scenario would be to see active cancer there.  Possible scenario is to see that there had been cancer there but the chemo attacked it and killed it.  Best case is to see 100% healthy nodes.

With this surgery I will only spend one or two nights in the hospital, then will be sent home with drains for a few days and then best case scenario I can drive after a couple of weeks.  It sounds like they think I will need some physical therapy to get the full range of motion back in my right arm.  I probably will never get all of the feeling back in it.  In fact, it is still numb on the underside from the lumpectomy.  I didn't like hearing that due to the risk of lymphedema (swelling of the arm due to lack of proper movement of lymphatic fluid after the nodes are removed) they will give me a special "sleeve" to wear during "risky" behavior, like flying.  The sleeve squeezes your arm to promote proper flow of lymphatic fluid.  But, I guess that is a small price to pay.  There was a lot more information, but I think I hit the main points for anyone who is still reading this long post.  Anyway - I love that this doctor takes a lot of time with us and doesn't seem rushed and seems to welcome questions.

I am pooped after all of this.  I have a couple of pictures to add, too.  In an attempt to end on an up note, I will post one of the many quotes that are posted around our bedroom and my closet area.  I like seeing these every day, since I need constant reminding of what is important.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

I meant to add this last week, but here is a picture of R2 inside out.  I never realized that maintenance of a wig would exceed maintenance of real hair, but it does.  Real hair doesn't knot up the way this does, and then it is a SLOW process to gently pick it apart then flat iron it to "repair" it.  I remain thankful for the wig option, but thought you might find this interesting!

Beautiful flowers - ending on a happy note!