Finished 8 of 16

Good morning.  I guess I am developing a "Monday" routine for writing these updates.  Thursday was uneventful (good!) as far as treatments go, except I fell asleep on my friend Anne Marie.  I feel pretty lame when I wake up and see my friend sitting there and realize they have been watching me sleep, but what can you do?  This is one of the reasons they say it's best to have a friend drive, I suppose.  I was a bit sleep deprived going into it also, as the "flashes" continued to wake me up, though they seemed to decrease on Tues./Wed.  I almost missed the fact that this was treatment number 8 out of 16 total.  Another milestone.

When my initial blood work came back before the chemo, the good news was my red blood count, and specifically hemoglobin (oxygen in blood), finally took a turn in the right direction.  It didn't move much, but at least it stopped dropping.  Unfortunately my white blood count (immune system) went down further, but apparently while it is below healthy range it still has room to go before getting overly concerned.

During our consult time I also asked some questions that came about as a result of our two appointments last week with plastic surgeons.  I like both doctors, but prefer one over the other, so I am glad that decision wasn't too difficult.  We had examined several on paper, based on experience, schooling, credentials, etc., then met with two.  The one whom I liked better on paper before the face to face remained the fave after meeting, based on his "portfolio," personality, office and answers to our questions.  Let me just say, for me, having zero knowledge and experience with plastic surgery, and being the type that has given this no thought at all....this whole experience is eye opening.  I am a modest person, and clearly the personnel in these offices are accustomed to the body being an open canvas, where nudity is no big deal and even taking photos of your body are "normal" and apparently not uncomfortable for some.  I was totally out of my comfort zone!!!  I will not get into details, but suffice it to say, while I appreciate the fact this type of option exists, the whole array of options  seems crazy and I really can barely believe I am going down this path.  If everything remains on the current schedule, my surgery will be sometime in mid January.

After all of the research and questions and talks with the doctors, we are about 92% sure we are going to go with the double mastectomy.  I was really waffling there for a bit, wanting to make sure that there were medical reasons behind the double versus single.  I can definitely see the argument for a single, particularly after I realized that you could still do less invasive surgery to "augment" your remaining breast to "match" your new one (even if you choose to keep the same size, they would have to tweak for symmetry).  However, given my age and remaining projected life span, aggressiveness of my type of cancer (grade 3, the most aggressive), and the intense "surveillance" that would be done on the remaining breast every 6 months (including the reasonable potential for false positives leading to additional biopsies, etc.) and the difficulty in "matching" the old and the new, we decided the double provides some peace of mind in these regards.  The healing time really does not increase, though of course my left arm will be affected whereas it wouldn't otherwise be a factor.  We meet with our regular surgeon on November 4th, and I bet we will get a surgery date set soon.

Otherwise, the only other "news" is that I finally have taken advantage of two classes offered at the Cancer Wellness Center.  The first was called Look Good Feel Better and the hair lady, Jennifer, had insisted that I attend.  This is a class offered across the country to breast cancer patients, and over 50,000 women attend every year.  When I went, it was just another woman and myself, so it was nice to be able to talk with her.  She was the first person I spoke with at length who was also going through chemotherapy and she was wearing her wig, etc. and it felt very comforting just to meet her.  I cannot remember her name, and I had completely discounted the idea of therapy and/or meeting a stranger going through this, but now I am realizing there is value in that.  Even if the encounter is for only a couple of hours, there was value in simply talking with another person who really is dealing with the same things you are dealing with.  As it turns out, the aesthetician who taught the class had gone through chemo in her 20s after she was diagnosed with lymphoma, so she was a wealth of knowledge.

The class was all about how to deal with the effects of the chemo and/or radiation as it relates to your beauty routine....skin, hair or lack thereof, makeup.  We were given a very generous bag of full size, name brand beauty products, so of course that was exciting.  I think I posted not too long ago about how my eye lashes and eye brows were hanging in there.  Well, as luck would have it, shortly thereafter I realized I have lost a lot.  My brows are very thin, which shows up a lot on me since mine are so dark.  The beauty bag included this great eye brow enhancer tool, and we were taught how to use it, and it makes an amazing difference.  The same with eye lashes.  If you apply mascara the traditional way, you risk pulling out eye lashes.  So she showed us a new way to do it that is gentler on the remaining lashes, and how to apply eyeliner to try to mimic eye lashes if they all end up coming out.  Again, it is easy to get down in the dumps about this because I really, really do NOT like to spend this long getting ready, but I am thankful there are products out there to help.  Moisturizer is another big one.  My face and body are so very dry, which is very strange for me since I rarely ever have dry skin, so I am not in a good routine of applying moisturizer.  All of these changes are manageable, it's just an adjustment.

The second class I attended was a Mindfulness class.  The thought on this (for me) is to learn to relax in any given moment and to create a routine of having good down time each day.  I am a pretty high strung person as most of you know.  I do not think there is anything wrong with that, except for the fact that I (used to) be running so "fast" that I would either miss moments that should be savored or overreact to situations that could have been handled in a slower, more calm manner.  I love being around calm people, and so I am trying to create more quiet moments for myself.  I realized in the first class that one barrier I have had is that I have not placed adequate value in taking time out for myself.  I realize that there is value in things like working out (healthy body=healthy mind, long life, etc.) but I really have never placed value in taking quiet time for myself (other than my Bible study).  This type of quiet is different from all of those.  It is meditating and cleansing in the sense you are (supposed to be) clearing your mind of all things except your body and your breath and by getting to this point of relaxation, your body releases endorphins, etc. which are healing.  I was not very good at it, but I plan to continue and try to learn how to "unwind" and really just sit for 10-15 minutes at a time without running through a to-do list in my mind, or replaying a conversation in my head, etc.  Up until cancer, if I found myself with 15 minutes of unscheduled time, I would feel the need to fill it.    In fact, I still do to some degree.  However, I am working to change that.  I am trying to teach myself that those 15 minutes are a gift, and it is ALL RIGHT to just sit out on the deck and enjoy the Fall colors and listen to the birds.  No guilt.  No waste.  This does NOT come naturally to me and I am nowhere near where I would like to be on this, but it was eye opening and I see the value in it.  The human body and mind DOES need a break, and we are (sort of) in charge.  At least we are in charge enough to offer ourselves the opportunity for calm and quiet.  :)

Just realized I might sound kind of preachy.  That is not the intent.  I am half trying to remind myself about these things.  I know I cannot change my personality, and I really don't want to...just looking to create a healthy habit, that is all.  For today, I have a friend coming over for a walk, and I think I actually feel up to walking a little bit.  Saturday was rough, felt chilled most of the day and super congested/achy/sinus pressure.  Yesterday was a little better.  As a family, we began to think about what we might want to do to celebrate the end of chemo.  We might do something, but with the surgery looming right after Christmas, I think I prefer to hold off and have a real celebration after I am healed from the surgery.  It was fun to brainstorm things to do for Spring Break or maybe we should hold out until summer.  We let our imaginations run wild, and it was fun.  And yes, there will be a party in there somewhere!  Rest assured!!