Monday, Sleepy Monday

Good morning friends.  Here is a quick update.  Today we meet with our first reconstructive plastic surgeon.  We have an appointment with a second such doctor on Wednesday.  We are meeting with our "regular" surgeon the first week of November, and he advised that we should have made good progress on selecting our plastic surgeon prior to the appointment with him.  I am looking forward to getting "educated" on this upcoming process, but I will admit I am scared of it and obviously dreading it.  In case I haven't mentioned it, the mastectomy (still assuming that is what we will have done) is performed by the breast surgeon (whom I already know from previous procedures) and the reconstruction part is done by the plastic surgeon, so two doctors are involved in this process.  It has been easy for me to be flip about this so far, saying things like "It'll be like the C section...all I have to do is show up!" but deep down that is not how I feel.  I was scared of the c section, too, but I knew I would get a baby out of that deal.  :)  And I knew it wasn't really optional with the way the baby was positioned.  This feels different and we are making some choices, and that brings so many questions.  Then, there are so many different options with breast surgery....who knew??  Different ways of doing it, different scars, different end results, and to me the biggest question is....do I really have to do this and is it the best choice for my overall health.  Feeling some stress from all of this for the first time.

In other news....this 3rd round has been harder.  I don't like the chemo coming around every week.  I keep telling myself that it is nice that we are ticking through the doses in double time, but I was also "enjoying" the almost week of "feel better" days in between.  Last Thursday went as well as the prior Thursday.  They also gave me a flu shot.  I was wiped out and slept from carpool onward, waking up to eat dinner sometime in there.  My white blood count and lymphocytes remain low, but the red blood count and hemoglobin is what is really, really low.  I was hoping those would have crept up, but we can hope for next time.  I am eating meat every day (more meat than I have eaten over the last few years!), resting, taking vitamins, etc. so we will see.  The only other thing that came back after my appointment that I want to ask about this Thursday is the ALT and AST numbers.  I looked this up and see that they can be indicators of liver damage, and I am sure this is a "normal" side effect, but I would like to understand why my numbers have jumped up so much and what does that mean.

All of the previous side effects have continued.  The only change has been increased sinus drainage and associated pain and the big one is the increase in hot flashes.  It seems that I am also having cold flashes too, but it might just be my body readjusting after the hot flashes.  But when it happens I get really cold (Chris says I am cold to the touch) and I feel like I need to wrap myself in a blanket to stave off true chills with teeth chattering.  In the day time these are annoying, but at night, these flashes are keeping me awake.  I plan to see what the dr says or if this goes away before Thursday.  However, I cannot handle not sleeping on top of the body tired feeling I have, so something needs to give on this.

Last thing.....I think a person's attitude about "heavy" things comes and goes, and it is easier to be positive at some times more than others.  I think it might be easy for our friends and family to think that Chris and I stay positive because that is what they see.  We try really hard to put on a brave face, not in an attempt to deceive anyone or be less than transparent, but because in general, it takes a lot of time to explain these deeper feelings and because no one likes to feel vulnerable or broken down.  Anyway, I guess maybe because I haven't felt quite as energetic this round, or maybe it's because of this new round of doctor's appointments, not sure, but Chris has fallen into one of what I call his "deep thinking" modes....quiet and preoccupied.  This, of course, affects me and so this weekend we spent time talking and pondering the future, pouring out our fears, trying to figure out how much we should let this cancer "control" our decisions, etc.  It is crazy not to factor cancer in, and yet, no one wants cancer to be the reason they do anything.  Again, my prognosis is pretty good, but there is always that BUT at the end of the sentence.  I absolutely hate that.  I hate that cancer exists and I hate that we are dealing with this and I hate that ANYONE has to deal with this.  My heart breaks to think of all the CHILDREN I have heard about with cancer.  And I hate to use the word HATE because I teach my children that is a very strong emotion and it is not to be used lightly, but I think in this case I am justified.  Sorry to be going on a tangent here, but this is what happens when I am tired and sleepy and thinking too much.  So I guess what I am saying is that I am not feeling very positive right now, and I don't need anything from anyone other than continued prayers and encouragement.

Chris made a comment this weekend that I hadn't thought much about, but I thought it was interesting.  He said every time we see people they make comments about how "good" I am looking.  I asked why that bothered him, and he said it doesn't so much bother him as much as he thinks people aren't seeing the "real deal."  Of course everyone is being super nice in giving any compliment at all, but I told him I didn't really want people to see the real deal, and that is why I put so much effort into getting ready to go anywhere and have someone come by the house.  The "real deal" is too depressing and I don't feel like sharing that.  He understood after that, but I guess because he is my husband and he sees everything, that conflict makes sense now.  In case you are wondering, the "real deal" is me ripping off the wig, my lovely friend R2, as soon as we walk in the door.  It is me getting my contacts out of my eyes as quickly as possible because the eye drainage makes my vision through contacts so blurry. It is me laying down more than sitting up.  It is no tinted moisturizer and no under eye concealer to attempt to cover the deep dark circles.  It is sweat pants and slippers.  I feel a little guilty about all of this, but we are on the same page in terms of why spend energy doing "extra" on days when I don't have to?

I think that is about all of the news, if that is what we want to call it.  There is a lot going on this week.  I attended my first class at the Cancer Wellness Center last week and I have my second tomorrow, so I will have to share something about those later.  Until then, stay strong, be kind and have a great week!