It hardly feels real to even write that. It is funny what we adjust to and how quickly a "new normal" can develop. I only have a little time to write at the moment...I have a friend coming by to visit and maybe I feel up to walking, and maybe she'll help wrap a couple of Christmas presents. Yay for friends!!
Confession: I haven't been 100% completely honest on here lately, just because, how sad and boring would it be to read depressing things every time you check in. I haven't lied, either!! I would not do that. But I may have been guilty of a more positive spin on more than one occasion, when what I was really feeling was slightly more "down," shall we say? I don't think anyone can blame me, hopefully. I have tried to give factual information about the actual happenings, and mainly factual information about my feelings, too. I am not sure how to explain it, and perhaps the best way is to say that these drugs are a total beat down, physically and emotionally, and that builds and swells as time passes, and I really can't predict anymore from one day to the next how I am going to be feeling or what my mental state may be. I wasn't really prepared for a new round of "mind games" (after the initial diagnosis, there was a lot of that....you might recall if you have been reading all along. Otherwise, go back to July and see what I mean.) But....with the end of chemo right here in sight.....I am feeling like a fish out of water. So incredibly excited. I know it might not look like joy coming through, but I am so very THANKFUL and truly excited, thrilled, happy, in disbelief.....shock...that we have come through 20 weeks of chemo. And the hard stuff. Remember the beginning...the Red Devil? The nausea? Ahhhh.....even that feels far away.
This second chemo has been so different, and I finally "get" what the doctors meant about how it will build in your system and get worse over time. At first it was more just the drippy nose, no nausea, a different set of digestive/stomach issues (that continue), but manageable. But as these 12 weeks have passed, the neuropathy has gotten progressively worse. I am very good at ignoring things, too, making me a "not-so-great" patient. The numbness, then tingling, then outright aching in my hands has gotten a lot worse. There are times that I shiver under 3 or 4 blankets just to try to warm up my hands and feet. The shooting pains come without warning through my arms and legs, sometimes my head and back. Over the last few weeks, nose bleeds are a regular occurrence. And the tiredness.......that is probably what bothers me the most. It brings me to tears to try to walk up the stairs sometimes, only to have to pause and catch my breath before making it up the whole flight. I am not sure if tired is the right word for that. Fatigue? Exhaustion? A feeling I have never felt before...for sure. And it is combined with an ache in my muscles like a ran a 10K the day before (which I have never once done).
Finally - my mind. I could write non stop and still not get a true description out to you about how I am feeling inside. Chris has been so amazing. No matter whether I have been hopped up on steroids and have bitten the heads off of each and every family member (yes, it has happened...more than once) or whether I have melted into a large puddle of tears or just stared into space for too many minutes, or the thing that I know he dislikes but has tolerated so well.....me keeping the TV on til all hours of the night when I can't sleep from the meds or the mind games. My emotions have been all over the board and everywhere in between. Lately I have been less able to keep my "game face" on...which I am usually pretty good at. I have tried to rationalize to myself that all of the above takes its toll over time, and the fact that I am unable to keep myself in check is ok. But, it's weird. I get so lonely, because I spend all this time alone. Between not having the energy to do much of anything, and what I call "the hassle" of getting ready with the wig and all the makeup to look as normal as I can, I usually make the choice to stay in unless there is a compelling reason to leave. And yet, the flip side of lonely is I often haven't wanted to see people, either. I haven't felt up to talking, sharing, smiling....things you do when you see people. It has been such a conflict. I bet that doesn't make sense....feeling lonely yet not wanting to see people.
Anyway....I just wanted to give a small glimpse into "the mind of Rebekah" lately. It is a strange place to be. I am scared of the next steps. That is part of it also. But for today, and for this week, I am trying to focus on celebrating the moment. It is healthy to celebrate the milestones and so that is what I need to think about instead of OPB (Operation Perky Boobs - because I am tired of saying the word mastectomy) or what the chances of recurrence are or what type of anti-cancer diet we are going to implement. I wish I had the energy to have a ginormous party Thursday night. But I bet I know how I will feel - exhausted as usual. Still.... I refuse to let that take away my moment of being finished with this gigantic hurdle that was put out. What a fabulous Christmas present for our family. And I cannot wait to find out how quickly I "bounce back." At this point I am assuming that for every day that passes after the first week (when I usually would have received the next round of chemo), I will feel a little better then a little better again. Looking forward to finding out!
Thanks for sharing, friend. Love you!
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