Merry Christmas (And did I mention no more chemo?)

The day of my last scheduled chemo turned out to be a really great day.  As I mentioned last time, I finally got excited as the time ticked down.  I had scheduled it a little later than my usual 9:30 so that I could hopefully attend a little bit of Jonathan's class Christmas party if I was feeling up to it.  Well, I DID feel up to it, and so I went and it felt so good to able to do something normal.  I still felt weak and shaky, and every movement is achy, and I feel just "uncomfortable in my own skin" since all of this started, but Jonathan was very happy that I was there, so that is what is is all about.

Since time was a little tight, I asked my sweet new friend and walking-distance neighbor, Susan, who also happens to have a son in Jonathan's class, if she could drive me to school, then my "companion" for the day could pick me up at school.  But before that, I was surprised the day before by a beautiful and inspiring bracelet from that same friend and another new friend from Whitefield.  In fact, I wanted to wear it to the last chemo, so it inspired my outfit on that day.  On the other side of the silver cross are beads in brown and various shades of aqua blue.  I love it.  But back to the neighbor....on the way to school she shared something with me that touched my heart, and obviously hers too because we both ended up in tears before getting the car parked.  She said she overheard our sons talking at her house the other day, and her son asked mine if he was excited about the Christmas party, aka the last day of school.  Susan heard Jonathan say yes, but that he was more excited that it was his mom's last day of chemo.  Tears.  We were both struck by what a big statement that was for my eight year old, and the fact that our 3rd grade boys were even having a "serious" conversation in the first place!! More proof that this cancer journey is about way more than "just me."

By the way, I am very nervous to keep saying "last chemo" because even though I don't really believe in "good luck" and "bad luck" I also know that I don't get to decide these things, and if I did believe in luck then I would certainly say I've had a run of the bad kind.  Anyway, when I say "last chemo" all I mean is "hopefully the last ever, but at the very least the last one in the foreseeable future."  :)

So, back in August or September my awesome friend Johanna offered to set up a meal schedule for us, along with rides to and from chemo and walking partners, etc.  She came up with the schedule of drivers, and by no action of my own, it turned out that my friend Glennda Baker LeBlanc was scheduled to drive me to the "last chemo."  Glennda and I met when our children attended Covenant Christian School and we were both involved with Development.  She is a fabulous real estate agent and since that time we have worked together a couple of times and I think just hit it off.  She has a big personality, and so back when the chemo schedule came out, I thought how perfect it was that Glennda was my final "companion."   I knew that visiting with her on the last day would be fun no matter what.  She never met a stranger and has so many fun stories to tell.  

Last Monday before the "last chemo" I had a visit from my oncology nurse friend, and one of the things we talked about was "life after chemo."  She warned about some feelings that can arise as a result of chemo ending, and I was so glad she brought it up because I WAS beginning to feel some stress about chemo being over.  I know that must sound crazy, but for me, the after chemo means, uh oh...what do I do now?  Did the chemo work?  Now I (of all people) have to decide what next steps to take...yikes...no pressure.  A weird series of emotions.....  I don't want to take away the feeling of euphoria that was starting to set in about the idea of getting my life back, but really, that is pretty well counter balanced with questions that have no good answers.  Anyway....back to the good stuff.  My nurse friend and I talked about ways to commemorate the "last chemo" and during our talk it just kind of hit me that the best I would feel for at least a week or so would be on Thursday, WHILE I was getting the chemo.  Remember, they give all the pre-meds that make me a little loopy but among good friends, who cares?  Sooooo, I invited my old small group from church and then a handful of other close friends who have really been there through this whole ghastly mess, prayer warriors, one and all, to stop by that Thursday if they were able.

As we prepared to leave the school, I realized I didn't bring the plastic wrap to cover my port after I applied the lidocaine (numbing) cream.  So, once again, sweet people just appear.....the school office assistant managed to find a zip lock bag and my friend Susan got an impromptu lesson in the numbing of the port and how it works.  Then Glennda whisked me off to Piedmont.  

I loved that Glennda dressed for a special day and I just hate that I didn't get a picture of her whole outfit.  In fact, we were perfectly color coordinated...couldn't have planned it much better, except I was "dressed up" wearing microsuede pants, not-too-old sweater,  shoes that weren't completely flat along with a necklace (and my new bracelet, of course).  Glennda was wearing a chic brown dress with brown sequin cowboy boots, usual pretty bracelets and cool dangly ear rings that coordinated with everything.  We were off to a good start.  I had an small epiphany the day before and wanted to get a little something for the nurses, so what's a girl to do who feels tired and ugly?  Go through the drive through, of course.

After we got parked I realized that Glennda had a much bigger and better epiphany than me.  She pulled out her rolling cart, the size of those oversized red wagons for kids, and she literally filled it with stuff.  She brought other treats for the staff and us, and she also brought along lunch for us and whoever else might show up that day, all from one of my favorites, McEntyre's Bakery.  Thumb print cookies, cupcakes, more cookies, mini croissant sandwiches....I don't even know what else.  I remember her saying that no one was going to go hungry on her watch!  Combine that with my usual large bag of "chemo things" and her "go bag" aka "baby llama" per her son, and we were quite the spectacle upon arrival.  I spent the last several months trying to blend into the background and go unnoticed, and suddenly people were looking, but I didn't mind because I was on my way up to the "last chemo."  

I didn't pay too much attention to the the first part of my appointment, other than the fact that the scale tipped upward again.  Yikes.  Between the holidays, not getting up and out and moving, and the steroids, the scale has not been my friend.  All I really remember is that my blood was good enough to proceed, and I shared that all of the other symptoms persisted with no real changes other than the neuropathy and body aches seem to be getting progressively worse.  They said that is all normal.  Boo.  

When we arrived on the Infusion Room floor, Johanna was already waiting there, with balloons!  So happy to see her.  My top three favorite chairs were all taken, but I refused to let it shake me too much.  We found a corner I have never been in, but for that day, I think it was just the right spot.  Several other friends arrived and I was overwhelmed.  But I wasn't overly emotional, which sort of surprised me.  I think it must have been the "busy-ness" of the day, too.  There was lots of talking, eating, laughing, and of course the machine beeps often and the nurses have to switch one thing for another, so all of that kept the time passing and kept me occupied and unable to dwell on the emotional side of the day.  

Yay Johanna!  Thoughtful friend, organizer extraordinaire and wonderful human.

Yay Glennda!  Generous, thoughtful, mighty and fun!

Best Husband Award - Christopher Kern! Loyal, generous, smart, my biggest cheerleader.   

Yay Jennifer!  So faithful, little but livin' large, full of hope and life.

Partial Group shot!  I told y'all I am loopy and I forgot to get a "special photo" with Dawn before she had to go.  Boo me.  

So, toward the end of the infusion time everyone had had to go back to their lives, except Glennda and me.  The next thing I knew, the nurse was unhooking the needle-thing from my port and she said we were done.  And THAT was when I felt the tears coming.  I just sat there a minute.  And really, I should probably talk with Glennda again because I don't remember things well that happen during chemo, especially from mid point onward.  I don't think I bawled or anything, but I know I felt like I wanted to.  I was just pulling myself together a little when more surprise visitors came!  A whole sweet little family, from our small group!  I was so touched that they made time in their day to come by!  With a one year old!!!  I wish I remember what I said or what they said, but I don't.  :(  I just know I was so happy to see them and looking back, it was perfect timing, because it completely took my mind away from where it was going.  

Upon arrival at home, my parents had picked up Caroline from school (she only had a half day) and she had busied herself making posters, hanging streamers and blowing up more balloons.  Johanna had delivered yet more pink balloons!  Things looked super festive for me and I loved it.  Glennda even insisted that I keep the big blue buggy that she had hauled all of our stuff around in all day.  I was beyond arguing, and just accepted the gift, knowing that she gave selflessly something that was very useful to her.  Look out fellow soccer moms - that cool blue buggy will be making many appearances this Spring hauling all of our stuff around!  Even though I felt "out-of-it" I knew this was a special day and I am so very grateful for friends who treat me like family, who go out of their way to show they care and who think beyond themselves.  More tears.

My sweet Caroline's handiwork

One of several beautiful posters!  I immediately noticed the "no more cancer" and wanted to talk with her about how we're not sure, etc., but at least had the decent sense to wait until a better time to talk about that topic.

Another fabulous poster!!

Stunning all pink bouquet from Glennda!!

Table centerpiece made by Caroline from her scarf!  Great improvisation!

So, after the dust settled, my parents left, Jonathan was playing at the neighbor's house, I put on my PJs and Caroline and I settled down to watch a Hallmark Christmas movie.  I knew I would fall asleep soon, and I did.

I have felt about the same since chemo as I usually do.  Again, I believe the neuropathy is more painful in my hands...the numbness doesn't bother me too much.  I am getting more random shooting through my arms and legs, and I am so very sore just to move.  I still think the best description is the way I have felt after a big new workout....where it hurts to move every muscle.  On the up side...the hair on my head is really growing.  It is so soft!  The kids like to touch it.  It feels like a baby chick.  I can't wait to see how quickly it grows and when I can get it into some kind of a style.  And I made it through this whole chemo thing without a problem with my nails!  None turned black or brown or began separating from the nail bed.....they got dry and brittle, but none were ever in jeopardy.  The last of my old eye brows just came out, but I have a bunch of new, light colored ones growing in.  For these things, I am thankful.  

Tomorrow is Christmas Day, and it's a Thursday, the day I would usually get another infusion.  Chris and I are so excited to see how my body does now that it won't be knocked back down by the chemo. Here's to a Merry Christmas, Peace on Earth, Happy Holidays and Good Tidings to All!