Yesterday and today felt sort of normal. Yesterday we met friends at the pool and had a pretty relaxing day. It was reassuring to catch up and see people in person. The kids had a blast at the pool with a bunch of kids, some from back in the early MOMS Club days. I needed help taking off my cover up, since I still can't get my right arm up over my head, but otherwise my arm has a nagging ache but no real pain unless bumped or pulled the wrong way. Today we ended up needing to take it easy, though we did venture to Walmart for remaining school supplies and various other things. Wow - I haven't been in Walmart with the kids in quite a while. Luckily, I had an extra dose of patience and didn't get too annoyed at repeatedly saying no, you cannot have sugar-coated Lucky Charms, no, we are not going to buy that kind of yogurt, no, you really don't need a notebook with a giant pig on the front of it, etc.
I was trying to explain to Chris last night how now it feels like everything I see I view with a new lens, like it should be labeled as part poison. I have read a bit of research in the past, and seen certain warning labels, but really just wrote most of it off as overkill. Not now. I am sure I am over-reacting in the opposite direction, but I am almost paralyzed with what to eat right now. I am making green smoothies. I am eating whole, real foods. I am scared of meat. I am avoiding sugar, I think (feels like it is everywhere). We already ate pretty well I thought.....always whole grains, organic if I can find it. Good eggs, No GMO chicken breasts, red meat is a very rare exception, lots of veggies. But clearly, I need some kind of game plan. I plan to visit the Piedmont Cancer Wellness Center and meet with either a dietician or a nutritionist....I am not even sure of the difference yet. But I need to get comfortable with some boundaries, through research Chris and I do, and what I can learn through the Cancer Center. Of course, now should maybe be the time I eat anything I want, since the chemo should theoretically kill everything. But, I am not buying that. I need protein for healing, and just an uber healthy diet to promote a healthy immune system. I guess that's another thing to research. Sigh.
Today we received a bunch of details about the events to kick off the school year (at our new school). Things begin happening on the 8th, then a big All Campus Picnic with open houses on the 11th that we have been excited about all summer, then the 1st day on the 12th. I am hoping beyond hope that I feel good enough to attend. How weird to start at a new school under these circumstances....knowing there's a good chance I might need help with driving (though I am also hoping the fact that we live less than 5 minutes away will help me to participate more than if I had a true commute). I am guessing I won't be able to sign up to volunteer for as much as I typically would, for fear that I would let someone down by being sick. I feel robbed...of half our summer, and now of things beyond. I am struggling to not be resentful of all the time this cancer has already taken, and this is only the beginning. How many more hours of my life will I spend focused on cancer? How many plans will I change because of cancer?
I suppose I have to be gaining something. A new perspective. Yes, that is true. A heightened sense of family and self, an increased reliance on friends, drawing closer to God. So shameful. I hate that THIS has caused me, yet again, to fall to my knees and pray more urgently, more often, more specifically. I have had a very active prayer life for many, many years, mainly talking to God in those first waking moments, end of the night moments, in the shower and in the car. Those are my times. But now it is amplified. I won't even get into all the different conversations, all the twists. Basically, I am praying for strength (for the whole family), healing, for the right people to be placed in my path, for me to LISTEN and hear and follow the way the Lord wants me to go, for protection for my family, and to LIVE. I want to see my children grow up and be brilliant, find happiness as an adult. I want to travel to so many more places, I want to be with Chris when he retires because he deserves such a good life after all of these years of hard work for all of us. I want to be a grandmother, spoiling sweet babies.
Let's see....I want to end on a happier note tonight. I have received so many encouraging notes, texts and voice mails. I am trying to get back to everyone, but I am sure I am not fully succeeding. I cannot really describe how much it means to me to read and hear these notes, no matter how small. Even if I can't talk right that minute, it is a much needed reminder that I am not doing this alone. One friend suggested creating a special space, for meditating, resting, reading, praying. I love that idea. I am planning for that, with a comfy chair, blanket, and some good reads and paper at hand, for nights if I can't sleep (though I am sleeping great right now!) and for the time that I am dreading....all that alone time after the kids go back to school. I actually really enjoy my alone time usually, and hopefully I can keep that attitude, but I also know that it is easy to slip into a very sad place when you aren't up to going out in public and don't have much choice about staying home, like when I had all the Shingles stuff going on. Also, last night we received a very encouraging email from the friend/colleague of one of Chris' clients. I won't say who he is except he is one of the top doctors in management at Wellpoint, which owns Empire Blue Cross (our insurer), and the client had offered to make the connection for Chris. Anyway, given how busy this man must be, I was shocked to receive an email from him at 11:00 last night. He had asked for the specifics about my diagnosis, for review. He wrote a very lengthy email, full of detailed information about his thoughts on treatment, the current standard in protocol, and more. It backed up our path so far, and also provided a second avenue for Her 2 + cancer that we can use as a talking point with Emory (we think those drugs are slightly less aggressive and would probably be used for older or less healthy patients, but not 100% sure). Anyway - it was nice to have some confirmation and for someone to take the time to get involved.
So - no tears today! Hurray! Small victories.... :)
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