From April 7

(Note: I just found this in my Drafts and decided to go ahead and publish it.)

I have not posted in what feels like a long time, and several of you have asked if I have stopped.  No, I think I want to continue this journal, but things are not happening as quickly as they were there for a while, and I have enjoyed the "distance" quite a bit.  Though....when I stop and think about it, the distance makes me nervous, too, because I feel like I am much more left to my own devices to "fight" this thing.  Clinically, I have been declared "cancer free" so that DOES fill me with a large degree of comfort.  BUT.....you all know I am a generally very positive person and a person of faith, but tempered with a HIGH dose of reality.  I have seen and heard of way too many people who have had cancer return and have had to fight for their lives in a much more serious way than what I have even gone through.  Those are the thoughts that scare me.  I realize I cannot dwell on them, and I don't most of the time.  But they are "out there" and they certainly fill my prayers....not just for me to live long, but for so many others who are fighting the good fight.

I don't have much time today....two doctor appointments.....but I felt compelled to write.  I have my third or possibly fourth echocardiogram today.  Last time they did not need to use the dye contrast, and I am really praying they don't have to this time either.  I don't plan to go by the Cancer Center for them to access my port first, so if they end up needing the dye, then that means an IV, and if you've been reading this thing from the beginning you know my difficulties with needles.  I really don't want to end up in the ER again after passing out!!  This echo is to test my heart again to make sure there has been no damage to the muscle (possible side effect of chemo cocktail #1 as well as the Herceptin that I am currently getting infused every 3 weeks).

Before that appointment I have another with the Lymphedema Therapist.  Great news - I have FULL range of motion that has returned in both arms, so that is fabulous news.  According to Gwen, the therapist, I have been quite the "rock star" in terms of doing my rehab and getting back to where I need to be.  Now we are working on regaining strength, using weights.  It was crazy how weak my right arm in particular was after the surgery.  Forget opening a new jar of pickles!  No way.  This mostly affected kitchen stuff....lifting a pan off the stove, etc.  But that is slowly but surely coming back.

I am still seeing the great nutritionist over at the Cancer Center, and she is highly motivating.  Of course, deep down it is fear that is highly motivating.  I hate to live that way, and maybe that will change over time, but I don't want to have any regret.  IF the cancer were to come back, and I HADN'T done all of the things that had been suggested to me, I would always wonder if I should have.  So, I am doing a good job of logging my eating and exercise using the app My Fitness Pal, sticking to 1300 calories a day with a  few exceptions.  I have lost 11 pounds since Christmas, so a lot of the puffiness has gone.  I think a lot of that was water retention from all the drugs.  I have been exercising 5 days a week, which is a first for my entire life.  Even when I was on a roll in the past, 3-4 times a week was a good week.  But, studies show that exercise is a huge fighter against cancer (along with most disease!!), but mine in particular likes fat (and certain proteins), so my goal is to lean out a bit and deprive any cancer that might remain or return of an environment that would allow the cancer to thrive.