The Dance

I just feel like writing a little bit this morning.  Reality is really setting in but I am feeling less stressed about the upcoming surgery and sort of just ready to get it over with.  I titled this post "The Dance" because for some reason after Chris took the kids to school today I was reminded, out of the clear blue, about a link that a couple of people sent me and that I had seen on Facebook.  However, at the time the link was going viral, I had never clicked on it, knowing that it would bring on tears, etc. and I really didn't need any more of those.  I knew the link was a clip from a Garth Brooks concert where a lady held up a sign reading "Chemo this morning, Garth tonight" or something to that effect. Maybe I was just too close to chemo at the time.  Anyway, that clip was brought to mind this morning and so I looked it up and watched it.  I remember LOVING that song...it's a really great song with sweet lyrics.  Yes, of course you guessed it, the tears were flowing, but it felt more like happy tears, or at least therapeutic tears, not the "ugly, heaving cry" or the "I feel so sorry for myself" tears.  It was more of a moment of thinking....wow...there are SO MANY women out there going through this and it's like I joined a second sorority.  This was a new feeling.  It has been feeling like as a cancer person I have been outcast, not by friends or anything, but more by life.  Damaged goods.  But this morning I have a feeling that is more like I have crossed some invisible line and joined a new group that does not exclude my old group but that makes me part of something much bigger than myself...this huge group of women fighting this same fight, feeling these same feelings (or at least similar).  I guess it just felt for a moment like, so many other women are going through what I am going through, and many have it SO MUCH WORSE, so just put your head down Rebekah and get to work.  It really has brought me to my knees and as a Christian, maybe this is the trial that was chosen for me to prove my faithfulness?  Maybe there are more ahead...I don't know.  But I know that this was no surprise to God, and it is part of His plan, and I am in the process of accepting that and accepting that I don't have to "understand" everything.  Here is the link for anyone who hasn't already seen it.

http://www.kare11.com/story/news/local/2014/11/08/garth-brooks-serenades-fan-with-cancer-gives-her-guitar/18734547/

Speaking of country music, I have started listening to it a little bit again.  This is all very recent.  I remember when we first moved to Texas back in 1986 I thought country music was ridiculous, other than the really old country music that my dad would listen to that I loved. But, Texas has a way of growing on a person quickly, and before I knew it, I was hooked (along with my good ole rock & roll, too of course....I loved every hair band that was out there at the time).  I guess I am really dating myself here.  :)  Anyway, Garth, Alan Jackson, Brooks & Dunn, Vince Gill, Trisha Yearwood, Clint Black and of course George Strait....he had a house not too far from us in San Antonio.  This all served me well going to college in Fort Worth, where boot scootin was standard Friday night fun.  But then a time came when it was hard to listen to country music....I mean it DOES generally fall into one of a few categories.....love/heartbreak/how you will handle either or trucks/alcohol/nostalgia for things that aren't there anymore.  I was going through some things in my life at the time that made me want to put some distance between myself and country music and all of its associations, so I did.  And it has stayed that way for almost 20 years.  There have been a few moments of nostalgia when I have gone back and listened to old songs that I already knew.  Anyway....maybe it is Georgia having its own influence on me after 11 years of living here, but I am reacquainting myself with some country music, mainly the more traditional stuff and not this hybrid country rock.  But I recently remembered one of the things I liked most about country music....the stories that they tell.  And I relate so well to music that it has been a nice and welcome release for me to just listen to these songs in the car and have an opportunity to shed a tear if I feel like it over the song.  The same applies to church and the worship music.  I never like to be late to church because then you miss the music, which is my favorite part.  I always feel a little guilty saying that I like the music better than the teaching, but I just love the way music can reach inside unlike anything else.  Maybe that's another reason I am exploring new radio stations.  Listening to The Fish with the kids (it's a family friendly Christian music station in ATL) gets to me more and more these days, where I feel like each song is speaking to me and I have a hard time holding back the tears.  Gosh...I wonder how many times I have written tears in this post??  Yikes...I am rambling and it's definitely time for a new topic.

Yesterday I received a phone call from my oncologist's office.  At the suggestion of the nutritionist, we had asked the doctor to include a look at my Vitamin D levels in my latest blood work from last Friday.  The nutritionist said that some studies have shown a link between low Vitamin D levels and breast cancer.  Well, my Vitamin D level came back really low.  It is so low that they put me on a prescription, Drisdol, immediately to bring it up to normal range.  I think that is about 50,000 units of Vitamin D and I take it once a week (thank goodness because you might remember I DO NOT swallow pills well and this one cannot be crushed or cut up...took me about 15 minutes of gagging and chocking last night to get it down...pathetic and embarrassing, I know).  I asked her why I couldn't just take the over the counter Vitamin D supplements, and the nurse said it would take way too long and it might never get to the level it needed to be on those supplements. Chris and I find this all interesting and a little concerning.  At first I was unhappy that my oncologist, in whom I have had the greatest confidence and who has been personally endorsed by several friends and doctors, didn't check my Vitamin D level on his own.  But then we calmed down and realized, once again, that this is half art and half science, and that our doctor is following proven protocol, and this Vitamin D link is a theory with data to back it up, but it is not (yet??) considered "protocol."  Regardless, it makes sense to get my levels all within normal range, so we are on it.

As far as my new eating plan....so far I have been a rock star.  I stocked up at Costco on so many organic greens you would have thought I am starting a little business out of the house.  I have been putting their Kale, Chard, Spinach blend in our smoothies with a banana and the Triple Berry Blend and some Green Machine Naked Juice and the kids have no idea.  As long as it doesn't look green then they are fine.  So funny.  My sweet friend Johanna just introduced me to protein powder...a good organic kind and I added it this morning.  That is one problem I have had with the eating plan....getting a lot of protein.  I don't like eggs and I'm not supposed to eat a lot of meat, so it's beans and more beans, and I've been eating lots of Greek yogurt.  But the plastic surgeon had recommended doubling my protein intake going into surgery to help with the healing, and that is the one goal I have been missing.  I hope this protein powder helps.  I thought that eating 1300 calories a day would make me starve, but drinking all of the additional liquid and eating so many vegetables is keeping me full somehow.  So far so good, but we are less than one week in!!

I walked 2 miles with friends one day this week, and we walked pretty aggressively for me in my current state of fitness.  As all who know me well know, I am a fast walker by nature, and though I have never been a fitness queen, I have usually had a good endurance (I mean, the 60 minute spin class was my favorite at the gym!), but the hill leading up and out of our section of the neighborhood about knocked me flat.  I was glad to be with friends or I may have stopped, but I just said, you guys talk and we slowed down but kept moving.  The other days I have been doing the stairs in the house (it has been yucky outside)....going from the basement all the way to the 2nd floor and back again for 15 minutes straight.  That is really hard, too, but Chris and the kids and I form a train with me leading the way and we get it done.  I love how they want to help.  And believe me, when your two kiddos and hubby are behind you saying don't stop, keep going, you keep going.  What is wrong with me??  Here come the tears again!!  Just thinking about it and how much I love them!!

So, this weekend I will try to wrap up my list of things to get done before the surgery.  I bought new slippers, have several pairs of button front pajamas...did I mention that 2 drains will be attached to each breast??  Ugh!  Lots of pillows...need to wash my robe, definitely taking my own pillow to the hospital, and a friend just sent me a list I hadn't seen about a few other essentials to take to the hospital...lip balm, body wipes (guess I won't be showering for a few days...didn't think about that), and I would have never thought of this, but I plan to charge my electric toothbrush.  I know from having the sentinel nodes out how sore my arm was, and if this is worse than that then the electric toothbrush make so much sense.  Oh, and I still have a dining table full of Christmas decor.  Most is put away but I have been ignoring the final bunch of stuff.

So, let me get to work.  Thanks for reading my ramblings.  Don't forget...I said this is a journal and not only cancer-specific updates!!  I am feeling SO MUCH better.  I know my fitness level isn't back to where it was before chemo, and the hormonal side effects of chemo remain just the same and may last up to a year, but the neuropathy is better (not gone completely) but the big shooting aches and pains are gone and my MOOD is so much better.  My mind feels freer.   My nose is still drippy every day, but that seems so minor.  My white blood count just crossed into normal range (yay!!) even though my lymphocytes remain below normal (showing my immune system hasn't bounced all the way back yet but it's on its way).  My red blood count remains a little below normal, but improving.  This means I remain anemic, but it's improving.  My hemoglobin (oxygen in blood) numbers moved up again, so another piece of good news.  Have a great weekend!  I plan to post one more time before the surgery, so stay tuned.